New US Middle East Policy

Today the US Government announced sweeping reforms of it’s Diplomatic Policy in the Middle East. These sweeping reforms will affect all country’s in what is now considered the worst part of the world. Officials have stated that any country may be added to this list at any time if they show a proclivity for violence or human rights violations.

US officials have stated that effective immediately the US will begin withdrawal of all combat troops and “advisers” ; doing so in a manner that does not put American lives or assets at risk.

Additionally,  new restrictions on travel will be implemented to include but not be limited to total denial of access to transportation for anyone from the area that will not comply with the following requirements.

1) Prior approval to visit the country must be granted before an attempt to travel is made.

2) Everyone traveling to the US will be strip searched prior to their boarding their chosen mode of transportation. Their luggage will be searched and tested for explosives and prohibited items.

3) Upon arrival at US customs they will be fitted with an ankle bracelet that will be monitored by the US military.

4) Duration of visitation privileges is limited and finite. If the visitor does not leave the country at the end of their travel permit they will be treated as a criminal without the rights of US Citizens, arrested and deported with a fine equal to double the cost of their deportation. Visitors who remove or whose ankle bracelets show signs of attempted removal will be shot and their assets seized.

5) Student visa’s will be issued at the rate of 10 per year, per country and require the posting of a $10 million dollar bond per person to ensure the adherence to both US and University guidelines. They also will be fitted with an ankle bracelet under the same restrictions as visitors. Additionall they will report monthly to a overseeing officer. Any Student who does not maintain at least a B average will have their privileges withdrawn and be expelled from the country and their Bond forfeited. Upon completion of their curriculm they will be required to leave the country immediately or apply for US citizenship which will include revoking their prior citizenship.

Foreign aid to these country’s is herby terminated. Additionally in worst case instances the US will consider seizing the assets of these country’s to recoup aid moneys already sent if it feels the country in question has misused said aid.

US officials have commented that Pakistan specifically can “go screw itself”, and moves are well under way to freeze and seize the country’s asset’s.

The savings windfall of @$3 trillion in defense and aid to foreign country’s will be partially used to pay down the US Debt and partially to REALLY securing the borders of this country, potentially leading to another $1 trillion in savings annually due to the reduced load on social programs through limiting illegal immigration.

Government officials stated that further restructuring of it’s foreign policy are forthcoming and will be announced as they are implemented.

President Minter stated in a candid interview with this reporter, “If it gives these idiots the idea that we really don’t give a crap about them or want them in our country, they’re smarter than I thought”

This reporter suspects the President will easily win reelection when his current term is up.